This photo feels a bit like a self-portrait today. Because I feel run aground.

Yesterday was the last day in a very long month for me, a month that felt like a marathon that I somehow had to sprint all the way through, a race that involved way too many demands on my body, mind, and time.

Two days ago, I entered the home stretch of said marathon by fasting while purging my system in preparation for a lithotripsy procedure. And yesterday, I crossed the finish line as I laid on a table in the basement of Ospedale Niguarda for 45 minutes or so while the medical team blasted my insides with shock waves, in an attempt to shatter my kidney stones.

This was the second time I've undergone the procedure, and as it turns out, it won’t be the last, as I'll be going back again in September for Round 3. Kidney stones, it seems, are the gift that keeps on giving.

Something’s Gotta Give

Within just hours of getting home from the hospital yesterday afternoon, so relieved to finally have the crazy last month over with, I realized I wasn't feeling well. But it wasn't because of the lithotripsy, which sounds much worse than it actually is. It felt like a cold coming on, with scratchy throat, fatigue, aches, congestion, and watery eyes.

By this morning, I knew it was definitely a cold1, and so I've spent today coughing, sipping hot tea, and emptying the tissue box while thinking about how it is entirely unsurprising that I would come down sick after the last month.

I won't go into all the particulars of the last 30 days. But basically, everything hit at once, and something had to give, and that something was unfortunately me.

Much of it is my fault, because I let it happen—just like I've done so many times before. I did not say "No." I did not prioritize myself over what other people wanted from me. I did what I’ve (almost) always done: I finished what I'd (over)committed to, and I did what others expected of me. And in the process, I ran myself ragged.

Let me assure you that this is not some sort of humblebrag, and this is not me trying to impress you with how B-U-S-Y (and therefore “important”) I am. This is me confessing that I have a long and terrible track record of not setting appropriate boundaries and therefore burning out. That ugly history was on my frazzled mind constantly this last month, to my chagrin.

But oops, I did it again. Because I am a people pleaser, and because I’m a maximizer, and because I want everyone to like me, and because I grew up with the beliefs that I always have to finish what I started and always have to put other people before myself. And those are hard habits to break.

I don't really know how some of this could have been avoided, frankly, because life is complicated and calendars are complicated and sometimes this just…happens. I also don't know exactly how I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen again. But I am going to, because I am never going through another month like the one I just went through. Maybe I could handle it in my 20s or 30s or 40s, but not in my 50s.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm finally learning my lesson.

Hitting Pause

One of the many things that I’ve found very frustrating of late is that I was continually sacrificing my personal priorities in the service of what others wanted or expected. One of the biggest of my aforementioned personal priorities is supposed to be writing here on my Substack. In fact, a good many of you have literally PAID ME MONEY because you believe in my work. But the pieces I typically publish here take a lot of time to put together, and I haven’t had that sort of time (or headspace) of late, and so I haven't written anything since May 5th. And that is not acceptable to me.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm putting all paid subscriptions on "pause" for two months. What this means is that if your paid subscription is currently slated to expire on July 1st (as an example), it will instead expire at the end of August. Those of you who are paying subscribers don't need to do anything to make this happen; Substack will automatically extend your subscription expiration/renewal date by two months.

This is the best way I can think of right now to let you know that I'm sorry this happened, and that I'm re-committing to writing more regularly here.

In the meantime, I'm going to log off for a spell so I can rest and heal my body and mind. I'm also going to continue to re-evaluate things in my life and determine how to reprioritize in order to avoid another pile-up like the last month has been.

I thank each of you for your interest and support. I'm grateful to have you here, I'm grateful for this platform, and I intend to better safeguard this as a priority going forward.

My best,
Michael